It’s in a little more than one month.

The big five-oh.

I’ll be fifty years old. I’ll have spent two quarters of my life. I’ll be a Queen-ager. A senior woman, with not much to show for her life except for her acts of service for other people.

Fifty years of hardships. Twenty of unconditional love for my two children. Only nine with the love of my life.

I want to start being “selfish”. I want to grow, stop worrying about not being able to work, stop worrying about my health, mental health, and what I will leave to my children when I’m gone.

I want to do art and crafts. I want to do shadow work. I want to leave something behind… even if it’s just in the memories of people I met (online or offline).

At some point, I’ll disappear forever. The last person who remembers me will be gone. There will be nothing left. That saddens me… What will my existence add up to?

I guess it’s out of my hands. And I’ll have to live with that knowledge.

So let’s make those few years left the best I can.