Kanz Fan Art
Usually, in the morning, as I drink my latte macchiato and eat my madeleines, I watch Kanzalone on YouTube.
It’s cozy, Kanz is pretty funny and sweet, and it is a nice background for tinkering around on my projects.
As I’m still learning pixel art and how to use Aseprite, I was moved to do a little Kanz fan art. Working on finding the distinctive features (the forehead, bandana and glasses) and adding small details (eye crinkles, blinking, moving hair and eyebrows, light on glasses, and some lighting and shading, was a nice exercise.
So, even if I didn’t really go on with my game dev project yesterday (I did not add the sprite sheets to Godot), I still did a little something to further my learning, and I’m glad I did.
New Game Asset: Zombies!
This morning, I am feeling tired. So after my little win with pixel art, I decided to work on something simple: making an enemy asset in Aseprite—and of course, if you know me you know, I chose to create a zombie!
At first, I was only going to make it face forward, normal and “angry”, because turning the brain animation was a bit too much. It would have been a smart choice.
But then I soldiered on and made it at least turn right for the right-facing zombie. It was the one that was looking weird—I’ll keep the brain as-is for the others, it’s FINE.
That means… I have to have all sides for all character assets I’ll make in the future. Not very smart, but it’s FINE.
At first the brain was attached to the zombie, but after some time I decided to make it detached so that it could jerk up and down as the zombie bounces around. I think it was a good choice, it gives more energy to the animation without being too hard to do.
*grrrr*……..
It’s often hard for me to avoid perfectionism. It’s part of my life difficulties: if I was perfect, people would stop bullying me. Right?
… Right?
Except this doesn’t work. Bad people will always find reasons to harm others. They don’t even need one. So now, as hard as it is to fight a life-worth of being a perfectionist and trying to protect myself that way, I’m using the good ol’ “good enough, fuck it” life choice.
Look at me, slapping that perfectionism in the face!
……..
*yahhhh*
That’ll teach him (and me).
First Game Asset With Aseprite
I’ve decided that if I’m going to develop games, I might as well learn to make my own assets. For music, I have LMMS. And I’ve tried my hand at Aseprite the other day.
It’s taken me two days and multiple attempts, but I’m pretty happy with the little Irma character I’ve come up with. It’s not perfect, and I’m fine with it. It’s good enough. I prefer imperfect and done.
Next on the list will be to learn how to use that asset in Godot, and make my little character move accordingly (I will keep it forward-facing even when going towards the sop of the screen—Brotato-like).
Here are a few of the tutorials that helped me, if you want to start pixel art too (I sure didn’t apply all the tips, but again—don’t @ me, it’s good enough):
- The ONLY Pixel Art Guide You Need (Beginner to Advanced) by Juniper Dev
- 5 Pixel Art Tips In Under 1 Minute! by HypeHype_gameapp
- How To Pixel Art In 10 Minutes | Pixel Art Tutorial by Reece Geofroy
- The Ultimate Pixel Art Tutorial by Saultoons
- Aseprite Tutorial For Beginners (Pixel Art) by Saultoons
- Pixel Art Animation Tutorial – (Aseprite) by Saultoons
One of the hard parts was making the pompom on the Irma character’s head bounce, to give it a little movement. Thankfully, my amazing husband pointed out that it should not just change size vertically, but also horizontally as the character touches the ground again. Thousand thanks to him!
Once I’m successful with importing it in Godot and making the character move around, what’s next? Well, maybe an enemy. A zombie might be cool. Gotta have something to slap around, right?
Always Wrong Health-Wise
As an older, fat woman, I can never be right in the eyes of doctors. It’s been a while since I’ve seen one that passes the Irma test.
I have diabetes. My blood tests are bad? I eat too much sugar—even if I don’t. Oh wait, but I’ve lost weight even though I am suspected to eat too much sugar? Oh, then that’s fine.
I need to drink more. Then, I start eating ice cubes, because I both can’t drink liters of water everyday, and it makes me choke regularly (lately, I have been choking a lot, and I’d rather not, kthxbye). Also, I may have developed some kind of pagophagia—even if I’m not anemic. But beware—even if it’s a sign of autism, do NOT say I am autistic. I am not supposed to be! The assessments said I’m not!
I have awful chronic pain, but not all the time, so it’s probably due to my diet and lack of exercise. I’d like to see the doctors go on a walk with the chronic pain and fatigue I have. I wish I could put all my pains on them when they occur. Then, maybe, they’d take me seriously.
All of this CANNOT be the result of anything else than my weight, my age, my diabetes, my laziness. Doesn’t matter if I lost 43 kilos since I left my abuser. Doesn’t matter if I’ve spent almost the last twenty or so years running around with my kids, every day, to get them to school, to therapy. Doesn’t matter if I have two autistic sons… they don’t even consider that I CANNOT be lazy. I have responsibilities that tie me to my home. I like my home. I suffer from Hidradenitis Suppurativa every time I stress—and I stress a lot, both because of said responsibilities, but also I have generalized anxiety disorder due to the abuse I’ve endured both as a child and as an adult.
Yesterday, I got a new doctor. With visio, because I can’t stay up for a long time, thanks fainting spells. It took him three minutes to ask what’s wrong and prescribe diabetes meds + blood test. Three minutes where he didn’t want to listen to anything I say. Not one symptom, not one question.
He just dismissed me and my health.
Because I am just a fat, old, lazy cow.
Sorry, but doctors on TV shows are not believable.
Fifty
This is it! I’m fifty years old. Half of my life expectancy is behind me. Probably more two thirds, if we take my health into account.
What does that mean for me? Probably that my time is almost up. Probably that I need to start living by my own rules for good, now. I want to be one of those old little ladies with blue hair and eclectic dresses, going around without a care in the world about what other people do or think.
It also means that I have a few years left to do something that will last. Something that will profit my kids. Something that I will remembered by, hopefully. I hope I do—that my life will not be in vain. It’s quite narcissistic, isn’t it? To hope to be famous enough that someone will remember you or think about you long after your death.
I don’t have any other big wish for the rest of my life, except maybe to live it in less pain. I want simple things. I want to have a nice home, cozy moments with the people I love, and just enough to have our needs met. I want to rest and enjoy my days, in my Artelier.
The Reality of Chronic Pain
I’m feeling a little better today. Not one-hundred percent, but good enough that I don’t grunt too much when I try to move around.
It’s there kinds of days when my mental health does saltos. It’s both happy, because I can finally do some things without wanting to just lie down and die, and sad, because it knows that this is not going to last.
The real dilemma is: to what point do I push myself today?
When I try to do all the things, my body usually makes me pay the following day. But sometimes, I choose rest, and my body still makes me pay the following day. There is no knowing what is going to happen, and that makes choosing difficult.
I know that my problems are chronic. Chronic illness, chronic pain, chronic fatigue. Mostly, I can attribute the flares to stress—I’m a very anxious person, and usually stress creeps up on me even though I do my best to make my living environment as stress-free as possible.
But as someone who has been the target of abuse and bullying pretty much my whole life, I can’t control these emotions and fears—at least not at first. First, I freak out, and then I remember all the tools at my disposition to deal with the stress, but at that point it’s too late.
As a compromise, today I will not push myself physically. I will work on my project a little, and learn some new skills (I have whole playlists of YouTube videos to watch to better myself). I will make time for rest, in the eventuality it helps with tomorrow’s pain.
I see all of those articles, videos on the web, that tell you to be disciplined, work hard, double down… All the things I am no longer able to do. And I want to do all they do, but differently.
I want to prove that it’s possible to achieve results with a slower, softer mindset—one that doesn’t make me want to throw myself off a building. For me, and for anyone else in the same situation.
If there is a way, I will strive to find it… while still working true to my capacities.
My Plan to Earn Money in 2027
If life was free, we could all just work on our pet projects at our pace. That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? It probably would be conclusive to a lot of happiness for a lot of people.
Sadly, life is not free. I shouldn’t complain much, because I have security: my husband earns enough, even if I can’t.
Why I want to earn money
First and foremost, for financial security. Until now, I was getting income to help my two disabled sons with their day-to-day life. As they grow into amazing young adults, that income is now theirs, and the money coming to me is not enough to live on.
What if tomorrow I have to pay for day-to-day life on my own? I wouldn’t be able to, since I am earning no kind of disability income for my undiagnosed chronic illnesses and autism-suspicion. If anything were to happen to my husband, we would lose everything.
There is also the fulfilment of creating art and people being moved enough to buy it, and be a part of my community.
And then, finally, I want to prove that it’s possible, with some preparation dedication, and not too much money.
Why I can’t earn money now
I am the mother of two autistic young adults. I have been out of a job for their entire life—first because I needed to be all hands on deck to make sure they went to their therapies, learned things out of school (schooling was hard), and didn’t endanger themselves. There have been years and years of work for them to be more autonomous today.
They’re not autonomous enough, and might never be, to live alone. That means I can’t go out in the world and just get some job to keep food on the table, because I can’t leave them alone at home while I do that.
Right now, for them to be able to get the maximum amount of money for their disability, I can’t work—until end of march 2027, when my youngest son will be 20 years old. Then, the situation will change financially.
Why I can’t work a normal job in 2027
To add to that, I haven’t worked in more than twenty years. I bet it’s going to be hard to be employed, at my age, with that much of a gap in my resume.
And then, there is the undiagnosed disabilities to take into account. Even if I set my assumed autism aside (I have no diagnostic for mu neurospicyness, but all signs are there), I now have chronic pain and chronic fatigue to add to that. I have the Hidradenitis Suppurativa chronic autoinflammatory skin condition, and all the symptoms of fibromyalgia.
I am of course not a doctor, but since my general practitioner (and most doctors) tends to think it’s “all in my head”, I probably won’t be able to get any sort of diagnosis (welcome to being a woman, and old, and *gasp* fat).
How I want to earn money
As mentioned before, I am neurospicy and chronically ill. I can’t work a 9 to 5. I have the hardest time with consistency, because I never know how tomorrow is gonna be. Will I be able to do all the things? Or will I have to lie down, and spend the whole day wondering if life is worth living?
So I can’t envision anything that will need me to my on my top game on a regular basis. Of course, I’m hoping I’ll be in better health and mental health than now, but there is no telling how my future will be. Thus, I’m strategizing in order to work around my disability.
That is why passive income is the best solution for me.
What is passive income?
Most people don’t understand passive income. They believe that you don’t have to do anything to earn money, and that is not the case. You just need to understand that it’s the earnings that are passive once you’ve done the job.
Create once, and then earn forever.
Since I have absolutely no possibility of following a schedule, I will focus on producing art whenever I feel good enough to do it, and put it online for various income streams starting april 2027.
Income streams I am focused on
I want to write fiction and non-fiction. I am furiously pro-self-publishing, so I won’t pursue any traditional deals, which means I will be responsible from start to finish of every book I publish. It’s how I enjoy it anyways. I have a few books done already, and will try to write and finish more.
I want to illustrate. I enjoy digital painting on Procreate with my iPad. There is a ton of income streams that can go with that, and I will probably focus on print-on-demand avenues for my creations.
I also want to get into game dev with Godot. I’d love to create small games or apps for my own enjoyment, and if I manage to make a version complete enough, I will publish them for profit.
Finally, though that one is not a given because of how I want to handle it, I want to publish videos and make lives around my various passions. This will depend on monetization, of course, but also on how alive I might feel. Because I am multipassionate, it might be hard to find any following, so that might never be an option. If it does, I’m hoping that creating videos will help with passive income in the future. I might even do a little gaming!
Making it as passive as possible
What I absolutely don’t want to do is teaching anything, having to do stuff on a schedule, or having to handle support.
I want to enjoy doing what I’m doing, with no responsibility whatsoever. No deadlines, no obligations, no forcing myself to do anything. And no promising, myself or others, that I will do something.
In the past, it has ruined my enjoyment of my projects, and I’ve always regretted going down that path. This time, I hope I learned my lesson, and I wish myself to be able to find a way around all of this.
Grand Tally & my vow to transparency
I’m going to share EVERYTHING with you. How much I spend, how much I earn, where I publish, what I publish, etc.
I will not count what I already have (for example, a server for my other websites, my computer, or my iPad) but I will provide advice on how to use free suff (well, except for the computer, I assume you have one already).
Let’s start!
I will soon slowly, snail-ily, start on my passive income journey. A good push to create art. A good way to help with future money problems. A good way to be present with my kids, as long as I can.
Another good reason to stay alive.
If you want to follow along with your own journey, you can find me on my Discord server for chit-chat and friendship.
Hello World!
It’s in a little more than one month.
The big five-oh.
I’ll be fifty years old. I’ll have spent two quarters of my life. I’ll be a Queen-ager. A senior woman, with not much to show for her life except for her acts of service for other people.
Fifty years of hardships. Twenty of unconditional love for my two children. Only nine with the love of my life.
I want to start being “selfish”. I want to grow, stop worrying about not being able to work, stop worrying about my health, mental health, and what I will leave to my children when I’m gone.
I want to do art and crafts. I want to do shadow work. I want to leave something behind… even if it’s just in the memories of people I met (online or offline).
At some point, I’ll disappear forever. The last person who remembers me will be gone. There will be nothing left. That saddens me… What will my existence add up to?
I guess it’s out of my hands. And I’ll have to live with that knowledge.
So let’s make those few years left the best I can.
