My friend Stephanie wrote a blog post (in french) about doing the things you want to do. She had a lot more to say about that than what I will blog about here, but I’m focusing my reply (as an attempt to reboot my blogosphere) on what applies to me.

I don’t have a diagnosis. Not of ADHD, not of autism. I am only approaching these topics from someone who has been in the know with her two children. I know how people like to get all up in arms when people like me self-diagnose, but it is what it is, and if you’re offended, you don’t have to stay here and read the rest.

Tons of what I read about autism and ADHD—AuDHD— applies to me in some form or other. I too have difficulties starting things, for multiple reasons. Often it’s because, well, like Stephanie, I don’t want to do the tasks. I think it can be commonly found in tons of individuals, neurospicy or not.

Somehow, it’s easier for me to force myself, to guilt myself, into doing something I am dreading to do. 🤷‍♀️

Other times, for the things that I truly want to do, it’s because I am missing something for me to feel able of starting (like with choosing my color palette, which took me way too long). Some organization stuff, some small step that is missing and that I instinctively know will trip me up in the process.

Like Stephanie, I am no longer able to fix myself objectives. It no longer works for me. I used to be able to do that a few years ago, but now any kind of pressure stops me from starting—or even wanting to start. It dissuades me from even enjoying what I was about to do, even when it’s something I was looking forward to.

Unlike Stephanie, though, I cannot schedule things and hope that with assigning enough time for a task, I’ll be able to do it. I won’t. It will feel forced, I will resist, I won’t succeed. It’s something new, and something I am slowly learning to live with. If I tell myself: “tomorrow I will do X”, you can be sure I will do anything but. And it spoils all the fun of doing the things I actually want to do.

So I don’t plan. I make a point in not scheduling. I look for whims, and when I spot one, I jump and act on it.

Some habit building can sometimes help. I know that I feel in a blogging mood when I have everything set up to feel cozy. A cup of coffee or a cold drink. Feeling nice under a blanket. Having a video in the background—one of those you don’t have to look at, like waves on a beach or a babbling brook in a forest. Having read something stimulating. Those are the best conditions for me to think, “oh, I feel like blogging about X”.

Body doubling is also very helpful, except the fact I can’t ask my family for their time. My husband works, my kids have therapy (and also, are kids even if they’re young adults now—they have better things to do than spend time helping their mom).

Breaking tasks down annoys me to no end. A lot of ADHDers have a tree structure type of brain. Mine also makes me capable of jumping from A to Z without having to go through B, C, D, etc. to understand in what order I need to do things. Not sequential, if I can call it like that? These two types of thinking work in parallel in my brain, and I can access one or the other depending on what’s (instinctively) the most useful at the moment.

The boredom is the real problem here. I have read about behaviorism for years. It served me well to help my sons. The problem is that there is no incentive to try to out-behavior myself. There are no real reinforcements that I can’t give myself whenever, after all.

I also have self-imposed pressure. “I can’t do this before XYZ”. “I can’t start any artisting before my Artelier is done”. “I can’t work on something I enjoy before I finish Administrative Task #65678″. Even worse—”I can’t do this thing I will enjoy when my poor husband is in his office, working”. Even if I know he would want me to relax and do what I enjoy. Even if I know he’s having fun working.

How fucked up is that?!

The only thing that works for me is to find a way to “facilitate”. Even then, it doesn’t always work, but at least it opens the possibility of eventually doing the Thing later on. For example, I set up my writing files. All is backed up, all is ready for me to jump into writing the next time I feel like it. The whim may never come, but in the small chance it does, I will be ready. And since the facilitating looks like work, I feel less guilty about spending time doing it.

Of course, a lifetime of abuse and trauma has conditioned me to feel guilty enjoying things. My only goal had to be useful to others—the really great ones, the achievers, the earners. I was never to have ambitions—I was to feel shame to even consider my life to be important, too.

That’s some forty years shit to deconstruct. I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be, to be honest, but I’m trying.

I believe that the part that fights to do the things I want to do is too tired nowadays. I don’t have the energy, and it’s not helping. I try to put myself in a good mindset—motivate myself, remind myself there is no fucking reason not to do that thing that I want to do—but it fails more often than not. The pain and fatigue don’t help, but the little Irma that has sacrificed all her life to be a stepping stone for others keeps wondering why would things change. And if she’s really, truly safe to change them.

Stephanie has a lot of strategies listed in blog post that help her with doing the things she wants to do. Her advice is very strong, and could totally help you if you’re having the same kind of stupid paralysis we do.

I used to be able to do this too. Now, it’s… what, too much pressure? Mentally? Physically, too, and that has to be taken into account. I need a slower pace. I need to be kind to myself and not setting myself to fail because I remember how I was when I was younger.

Anyway. I don’t really have working solutions—just attempts. For today, I’ll consider they’re good enough. I don’t want to put pressure on myself anymore. It doesn’t work anymore.

At least for me!