I’m feeling a little better today. Not one-hundred percent, but good enough that I don’t grunt too much when I try to move around.

It’s there kinds of days when my mental health does saltos. It’s both happy, because I can finally do some things without wanting to just lie down and die, and sad, because it knows that this is not going to last.

The real dilemma is: to what point do I push myself today?

When I try to do all the things, my body usually makes me pay the following day. But sometimes, I choose rest, and my body still makes me pay the following day. There is no knowing what is going to happen, and that makes choosing difficult.

I know that my problems are chronic. Chronic illness, chronic pain, chronic fatigue. Mostly, I can attribute the flares to stress—I’m a very anxious person, and usually stress creeps up on me even though I do my best to make my living environment as stress-free as possible.

But as someone who has been the target of abuse and bullying pretty much my whole life, I can’t control these emotions and fears—at least not at first. First, I freak out, and then I remember all the tools at my disposition to deal with the stress, but at that point it’s too late.

As a compromise, today I will not push myself physically. I will work on my project a little, and learn some new skills (I have whole playlists of YouTube videos to watch to better myself). I will make time for rest, in the eventuality it helps with tomorrow’s pain.

I see all of those articles, videos on the web, that tell you to be disciplined, work hard, double down… All the things I am no longer able to do. And I want to do all they do, but differently.

I want to prove that it’s possible to achieve results with a slower, softer mindset—one that doesn’t make me want to throw myself off a building. For me, and for anyone else in the same situation.

If there is a way, I will strive to find it… while still working true to my capacities.